Chapter 20 - Here We Go Again
Seeing himself trying to analyze every word that another person said to find out how they were feeling was very new. It was so unfamiliar to him that he made himself shudder.
“That’s not very nice to hear,” Heerak said after a brief silence.
“Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have said…”
“No, no. Not because of you, it’s because of me. I feel like shit.” Heerak rubbed his lips with his left hand and squeezed the wrist in his right hand.
‘Why do I feel like crap?’
The answer to that was simple.
Objectively speaking, Heerak did not think that he had such a good-natured personality. He hated exhausting things, and he refused to do bothersome things. He showed an open and outgoing personality because he needed to make himself well-known, but he could not change his true self.
He thought so even now.
Considering his normal self, this whole thing was completely ridiculous. If he were really worried about Doseon spreading rumors, he could hire someone to watch him and have that person report every little detail to Seokchan—that was it. He did not really need to insist on arranging a meeting over dinner, and that in itself was strange.
It was upsetting that outrageous things kept happening one after another. He felt like he kept being thrown into unpredictable events that he had no control over. There was no way he would feel good about any of this. He could not welcome a life where he felt like he lost control.
On top of that…
Heerak looked down and stared at the back of Doseon’s head. His eyes trailed down to Doseon’s slightly drooping shoulders, and then to the wrist that was still in his grasp. The skin in his hands felt strangely cold. He wasn’t sure if it was because Doseon’s body temperature was low or because of nervousness.
Well, those things didn’t matter right now.
The most important thing was that Heerak had no idea why he was still holding onto Doseon.
Doseon said so himself. It wasn’t s*xual assault.
When Heerak asked while moving his hips in pleasure and when he confirmed again with his heart pounding, both times he felt relieved when he heard the answer.
But was that really the case?
Doseon said it was just a good memory and that he was grateful for having it. He said that that was enough for him as compensation. That was the biggest reason why he felt so upset.
Heerak didn’t think that kind of thing could ever become a nice memory.
That day, he was the only person who felt good. This person before him talked about feeling guilt and anxiety when he recalled that night. These two things hurt his pride the most. He didn’t make him feel very good. His mood hit rock bottom. If anyone were to ask any of the “omegas” that Heerak slept with to date, none of them would say anything like what Doseon said.
At this point, Heerak smiled, as if to mock himself.
‘I really have no patience at all. I guess I can’t do anything about my true nature.’
If he just let go of this thought, this painfully annoying thought, that was that. Then he could end this entire thing without saying this one last thing to this man.
It was easier said than done.
He couldn’t stand it, so he put to words what came across his mind. “Now, I’m going to say some absolute nonsense, so if you don’t like it, say so. I’m just saying this just so it doesn’t sound like I’m forcing this on you.”
“Yes, what is it…?”
“Do it again with me—s*x.”
The calm face stirred. Doseon looked up at the radiant face, searching for an answer. Heerak erased his smile and instead, with his sincerest face, he looked down at Doseon.
Doseon, who kept clenching and opening his fist in anxiety, managed to open his mouth. “What you said just now… Are you being serious?”
Doseon sounded like he couldn’t believe what Heerak had said at all.
Heerak softly grinned and answered in a low voice that was almost a whisper, “Doseon, that’s what you said you asked that day. My answer is the same as that time.”
“But just now, you said you were going to say nonsense.”
“Well, that’s right. I’m being completely serious, but you might take it differently. You’ll think it’s absurd and even laughable.” Heerak put in a few jokes as he said that, but Doseon didn’t react, let alone move. His face became more sullen, and Heerak could not say anything more.
“If you want to do it with me…” After a moment of silence, Doseon answered as if he wanted to double check with Heerak.
At that, Heerak quickly answered, “I do want to.”
“Then…” Doseon trailed off, but his face was still stiff.
Heerak could never tell what Doseon was thinking under this expressionless face. He wasn’t sure if Doseon himself knew that this caused a lot of anxiety for others.
“I’m fine with it too.”
That was the answer he expected. But at the same time, he did not anticipate hearing that.
The fact that he thought Doseon would accept his offer was mostly because Heerak was putting on a tough front. Because he never asked anyone for s*x before, he just wanted to console himself by believing that nobody would dare turn him down.
However, despite his tough facade, he was anxious on the inside. To begin with, he was just blurting out whatever came to mind. He was extremely worried that this would just end up with Heerak ultimately gaining nothing from being rejected, after spouting a bunch of bullshit.
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